Or more accurately, a list of online identities to spitefully assign to your classmates as you magnanimously tolerate the text version of their vacuous mental excretion .
Identity #1: compulsive laugher.
These personalities swarm the internet, occasionally interrupting you even when your status is set to "busy" or "away". Watch out for their arsenal of lols, which they fire at you incessantly, in worst cases driving thee to thine grave. For this reason we assign them the code name of "The Grin".
Sample conversation:
The Grin: hi der
Magnanimously Tolerant Intellectual: I wasn't named after a pronoun
TG: lol
*pause*
TG: wots up?
MTI: According to earth's gravitational field, and relative to one's own position, the direction that the sky is in
TG: lol
- Please note that laughter so frequent is generally characteristic of severe dementia. Indeed, only the severely demented do not know of geographical directions so basic as "up".
TG: wot you doin rite now?
MTI: I am currently typing these words
TG: lol
MTI: stop laughing
TG: lol
MTI: no, really, it's annoying
TG: lol
TG: I'm crazy
TG: lol
MTI (experimentally): lol
TG: ROTFL
MTI: ROTFL
TG: hahaha, so u get it?
MTI: hahaha, no
TG: lol
And at this point the MTI resists a very powerful urge to call up bannarghatta zoo and tell it that a hyena has escaped.
Identity #2: The Bitch
Pure pedigrees, too. Read it and see for yourself.
TB: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
MTI: hello
TB: omg, Insertname's such a bitch!
MTI: ah.
TB: like, yesterday, she cpied all mi aswrs in french clss, and all she sed ws like "thnx" n den she woked off!
MTI: maybe she had to use to loo.
TB: huh ya thats lik sooooo convenient!
MTI: yes, bathrooms are a beloved convenience of civilized society
TB: o btw cn u rite lik the english essay fr me? pleeeez!
MTI: no.
TB: o cmon pleeez! s mi frnd's bday tmrw n I hve to make a crd!
MTI: It's my grandaunt's death anniversary tomorrow and I have to stitch a dress.
TB: o cmon
MTI: no
TB: k I g2g n dont frget da essay k? thnx bi
Indentity #3: The Doofus
Caused either by excessive chatting or masculinity. Cannot comprehend subtlety, cannot comprehend references to previous lines. These entities are so common that software engineers are using them as models for AI software that will automatically handle unwanted instant messangers. Sample code looks somewhat like this:
DO CASE (chatstatement)
CASE chatstatement IS_EMOTIONAL
PRINT RESPONSE "I feel bad for u"
CASE chatstatement IS_A_QUESTION
PRINT RESPONSE "I dunno"
CASE chatstatement IS_ A_QUESTION_THAT_I_REALLY_DON'T_KNOW
PRINT RESPONSE "I guess"
CASE chatstatement CONTINUES_THE_LINE_JUST_ABOVE_IT
PRINT RESPONSE "wot r u toking about?"
CASE chatstatement IS_A_NORMAL_STATEMENT
PRINT RESPONSE "cool"
CASE chatstatement MAKES_NO_SENSE_WHATSOEVER
STORE chatstatement TO mustbeajoke; PRINT RESPONSE "hahaha"
CASE chatstatement IS_NONE_OF_THE_ABOVE
DO METHOD FIZZLE_BRAIN; PRINT RESPONSE "i g2g, mi mums rily mad | il ttyl, bi!"
ENDCASE
Needless to say, the doofus is notoriously difficult to make conversation with. Take the following sample:
MTI: I watched a movie today:
TD: cool
*pause*
MTI: It wasn't a very good movie
TD: I feel bad for u
MTI: You do?
TD: I dunno
MTI: No, seriously, do you actually feel bad that I watched a movie so terrible you haven't even mustered the courage to ask about its name?
TD: I guess
MTI: Oh, what's that which just whizzed past your head? Oh, I think it was The Point!
TD: hahaha
MTI: There it goes again!
TD: wot r u talking about?
MTI: The Point
TD: wot point?
MTI: never mind
TD: cool
MTI: What do you want to be when you graduate?
TD: dunno
MTI: come on, you must have some idea, right?
TD: I guess
MTI: You do? Then maybe you should become a fortune teller.
TD: wot r u toking about?
MTI: Oh no, not this again!
TD: wot r u talking about?
MTI: the imminence of the apocalypse
TD: hahaha
*pause*
MTI: You are something, you know?
TD: I dunno
MTI(experimentally): Linear B
TD: hahaha
*pause*
MTI: bob?
TD: cool
MTI: let's have you ask me a question
*crunchcrunchcrunch* *fizzle*
TD: k i g2g, mi mums rily mad
MTI: really? I hear it's hereditary.
TD: il ttyl, bi!
Identity #4: Mia
This identity is directly inspired by a friend of mine who is…excitable, shall we say? Little introduction is necessary, but visualization certainly makes the dialogue more interesting. Picture a bunny that is mostly normal, although a bit red-faced about the hypocrisy of Russia’s foreign policy, and that Fred Fox took its carrot.
MTI: Hi Mia
MIA: Hello
MTI: Doing anything productive?
MIA: I was hoping to practice a speech I wrote for Tuesday.
MTI: Oh, well, you know what they say: The drearier your speech, the harder the applause when you're done.
MIA: Who's they?
MTI: Um, the voices in my head, Mia.
MIA: You should tell someone.
MTI: What? Mia, I was joking! Quit analyzing!
MIA: I see. So they is just a pronoun inserted to make the sentence grammatically accurate.
MTI: um, I suppose so.
*pause*
MTI: So, what else are you doing online?
MIA: Joining a random online organization.
MTI: Good god, Mia, you should never go in for those! The next thing you know you'll be receiving random emails from your long-lost half-brother.
MIA: You know my long-lost half brother?
MTI: What? No! I meant the emails would claim to be from your long-lost half brother!
MIA: So I have a long-lost half brother out there and people write emails claiming to be him
MTI: No, I mean, people claim that you have a long-lost half brother and claim to be him.
MIA: Ah.
*pause*
MIA: Who are these people?
MTI (giving up): They live in Jamaica. Their names are bob.
MIA: YOU KNOW THEM?
MTI: Mia, I am one of them.
MIA: WHAT?!
MTI: I write to people claiming to be your half-brother. He does exist, actually.
MIA: HE DOES?!!!
MTI: We keep him tied up in the cellar and feed him chicken soup the whole day.
MIA: YOU CRUEL, CRUEL PERSON!!!
MTI: Mia, calm. I was joking.
MIA: WHAT?
MTI: joke(n.): A mischievous trick; a prank.
- I never find out how the conversation ends; Mia always blocks me around now.
-Avanti Shrikumar
Abonohu te:
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1 koment:
Avanti, this is Tara, and that's just ingenious. you'll probably never check this. i'll just tell you in school.
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